earlier today i got a message from a girl. she doesnt really know me, but she's gone to treatment 5 times so she knows more that way than i do. anyways she contacted me a few days ago saying hey im in your town and i've done this and id like to get to know you, so i messaged back and everything, and this time she started talking about a center shed been too, and how she really wanted me to try it. reallly bad. that REALLY freaks me out. because after i was in there, it was like, traumatizing (im such a baby) because i was there so long and i was supposed to be there longer i had no idea when i'd get out. i'd only heard from 2 of my friends and all the emotional stuff i'd been through, i'm still having nightmares about that place-and i think it is the place not the treatment because that's how it's described by people who've gone there and other places too. anyways im off track. but hey. this is my journal. so back off. anyways ever since everytime i go to fargo for about a week before the appointment i have really bad panic attacks, and everything about that place is tied to humiliation, disgust, failure, sadness, everything, my entire feelings on that place has always been never going back, i hate inpatient etc though i've looked at methodist in the cities and a place in arizona (yikes..) and to hear a girl who's never met me but seen pics of me tell me she wants me to try it and hearing from other patients that have very serious problems tell me i dont look like im doing good, that scares the shit out of me! because where am i going? am i in denial? my parents have always told me that they didnt follow some methods of forcing me to eat because they dont know me, that plan was not made for me personally, and we sort of have our own plan and i've done things i'd NEVER been able to do with my parents, but my weight at first went way down after the hospital, now it's about maintaining. thats pretty bad because my parents took me out before i was supposed to, and i lost alot even then so i pushed my limits. im so scared because my parents say oh you're dangerously thin but hey, they're my parents, they'll say that, and i think they add the dangerously part just because of the health problems i've suffered from the disease. but if they're right...i just feel horrible. like a failure. i'm too weak. i'm supposed to be in a hospital. i dont want to be in a hospital! i just wana cut this shit out and disapear. i've chosen my path of getting better (no anti depressants, no forcing) and im proving it wrong...but in so many ways i've still gotten so much better...im so confused and scared...i dont know what to do, it's so hard to face this. holy this this is a long journal...i'll stop.